


You're The Inspiration

by asmodesgold



Series: Pink [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, FTM Sonny, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Romance, Trans Character, Trans Sonny, pretty sure it's romance and not fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:56:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9914261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asmodesgold/pseuds/asmodesgold
Summary: They've been dating for four months, and Sonny has yet to tell Rafe.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos to booyahkendell, my tireless beta!
> 
> Also, Chicago wrote some of the best love songs. Just sayin'.

Rafe greeted him warmly at the door, a beaming smile on his face that Sonny’s sure very, very few people have ever seen. Sonny knew that the look was for him, and it made him feel all the more guilty.

 

He stepped inside, kicking his shoes off next to the closet, where he hung his coat. Rafe waited for him to finish before taking his face in his hands and bringing him in for a kiss that Sonny melted into.

 

“Make yourself at home,” Rafe said when they separated. “If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask.”

 

Sonny nodded but didn’t move from his spot.

 

“C’mere,” Rafe said after a minute, taking his duffle from his hand and leading him down the hall. “I’ve got something to show you.”

 

He followed, stopping at the threshold to Rafe’s bedroom.

 

The single step inside felt like he was crossing a line he couldn’t come back from.

 

He stared at the inside of the room, tastefully decorated like the rest of the apartment with a massive bed taking center stage; and there was Rafe, his duffle still in hand, worry in the lines around his eyes but hope swimming in the green.

 

Sonny should really tell him, tell him before they go any further, - should've told him _months_ ago - but Rafe is giving him that crooked smile and he’s in the room standing next to him before Sonny can think about what he’s doing.

 

He’s rewarded with another bright smile and the disappearance of a few of those lines. Rafe jerked his head towards something over Sonny’s shoulder and he turned, eyes widening in disbelief.

 

“I had it installed yesterday,” Rafe said proudly.

 

It’s a TV. A forty-five inch, flat screen TV. He vaguely remembered it was one of the excuses he used to leave when one of their make-out sessions started getting too intimate.

 

“I wanted to make you feel comfortable,” Rafe was saying, though with less confidence from the lack of a response.

 

The only thing Sonny could think to say was the one thing that had been filling up his head, pushing at his skull with every loving gesture that Rafe had made over the last four months, and he couldn’t say it. Not just yet, not without stealing another moment of happiness before it all went to shit.

 

Rafe was staring at him, silently now, those lines etching back into his face, and for a brief moment, Sonny thought his boyfriend might cry. His own heart felt like it was breaking in his chest.

 

“Sonny?”

 

He still couldn’t say anything, so he did the next best thing: he grabbed fistfuls of Rafe’s t-shirt and yanked him close, forcefully finding Rafe’s mouth with his.

 

Rafe responded immediately with just as much passion, throwing his arms around Sonny’s neck. Sonny released his shirt so he could spread his hands across that broad back. He loved touching Rafe, could never get enough of the heat that radiated off of him, the muscles under soft, giving skin.

 

“I take it you like it,” Rafe panted when they pulled apart.

 

“Yeah,” Sonny said, distracted by the sliver of skin now exposed between Rafe’s shirt and sweats. He dipped a couple fingers in to stroke it, causing Rafe to shiver and give him a look that said he wanted to eat him alive.

 

It was time to tell him, Sonny told himself, just open your mouth and force it out. If this went on any further, clothing was going to be coming off, and there’d be no hiding it anymore.

 

Just _say it_ , he ordered himself. You _have_ to. _Do it._ He sucked in a deep breath, held it, then opened his mouth, and -

 

“I’ve never had sex.”

 

Okay, that was _not_ what he was going to say. It was true, and probably something else Rafe should know, but not _the issue_.

 

“You’ve never had sex?” Rafe repeated, shocked, which Sonny expected - what he didn’t expect was the huge grin.

 

“What, are you happy I’m a virgin?”

 

“No, no,” Rafe said quickly, grabbing at Sonny to keep him from backing away. “I just thought it was something I was doing wrong. But if that’s all this is, Sonny, you don’t have to worry about it. I’m not going to rush you into anything - ”

 

“What if I never want sex?” Sonny interrupted. “What if it never gets past this?”

 

“You’re here for more than just sex,” Rafe spoke, slowly and calmly, like Sonny had seen him do many times with distraught victims. “And I want you here however you want to be here.”

 

Sonny stood there, unsure of how to respond, so Rafe continued.

 

“Come to bed with me? We don't have to do anything other than try out the TV, alright?”

 

_He’s a good man, he deserves to know the truth; tell him_! His mind screamed at him, but all Sonny could do was let Rafe lead him to the bed and crawl in after him, thankful that he’d come over in his sweats.

 

If Rafe found it weird that Sonny wasn’t down to boxers like he was, he didn’t show it.

 

“Here's the remote,” Rafe said, holding it out to him.

 

Sonny looked down at it, then back up at Rafe, who was waiting with a patient smile. Amanda once joked that Rafe had a crocodile smile: all crooked and ready to snap up those stupid enough to poke at it.

 

And he agreed, but wished he could show her how that was only one tiny portion of who Rafe truly was. In fact, he wished he could show the whole world what they were missing by not deserving the ADA’s trust.

 

He came back to the present to find Rafe still sitting there, still giving him a soft look of adoration that made Sonny’s heart skip a few beats, still waiting for him to make a move for the remote - so he did, tossing it to the side and launching himself at a surprised, but receptive, Rafe.

 

If he had to pick one thing in the whole entire world that he'd have to do forever, it'd be kissing Rafe. No contest. He doesn't care if it makes them look like a couple of teenagers; he never got to do this as a teenager, so…

 

Rafe moaned into his mouth and pulled Sonny in tighter by the back of the head. Sonny thinks it's the passion that this man has more than anything that makes this feel so good. That, and how clearly Rafe cares for him. He quickly loses himself in the heat of their bodies as they slide against each other from head to toe.

 

“You can tell me to stop at any time, cariño,” Rafe whispers, bringing Sonny back to the present. Belatedly, he realises he's been grinding one of his legs into Rafe's crotch.

 

Rafe's right-hand wanders down his back, pausing to squeeze his ass, making Sonny shiver and moan. There are warning bells going off in his head, but he's so hazy with pleasure he can't remember what they were for. Rafe's hand leaves his ass with one last squeeze, then drags around his front, under the waistband of his sweats, his underwear, dipping down inside -

 

Rafe’s whole body froze, bringing Sonny crashing back to the present. He threw himself off of Rafe, scrambling to the other side of the bed where he lurched half-off of it to empty his stomach into the trash can there.

 

He sobbed as he convulsed, the protein shake the only thing he'd been able to have for dinner quickly coming up, leaving his stomach to heave violently and fruitlessly.

 

The bed dipped behind him and a hand began rubbing soothing circles in his trembling back.

 

“I'm sorry,” Rafe said. “I was just surprised, that's all.”

 

It took a few minutes more, but the spasming eventually died out. His tears, however, did not, and instead ramped up in intensity. Gentle fingers pulled him back, into Rafe's chest and arms.

 

“It's alright,” Rafe whispered, kissing him on each eyelid. “I've got you, it's alright my sweet Sonny, let it out.”

 

Rafe calmly kissed him, again and again, slow and sweet, until Sonny’s tears had calmed into hiccuping breaths.

 

“We don’t have to do anything, amorcito,” Rafe said. “Not tonight, or any other night.”

 

Sonny sighed through his nose and continued to keep his eyes closed.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice still shaky.

 

“For what?” Rafe brought a hand up to caress the side of his face and brush the hair out of his eyes. It felt so loving that to Sonny, it was as if being punched in the gut. Would he ever feel this again?

 

“For - for not telling you.”

 

“...Why would that be something you’d have to apologise for?”

 

Sonny opened his eyes, his sadness and guilt transforming into confusion that matched that which showed on Rafe’s face.

 

“Because I should’ve told you before we started dating.”

 

Realisation dawned in Rafe’s eyes.

 

“No, you’re obligated to tell someone you’re a paedophile before the first date, or you’re a murderer, or, hell, a Republican, but this? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see why this matters.”

 

“Because,” he sniffed, but the tears had stopped, and he no longer felt like he could disappear underneath the blankets and never resurface. “Because you might not want this.”

 

Rafe’s eyebrows knit together in anger. Now Sonny was _really_ confused because his reactions were _not_ lining up with what they were supposed to.

 

“Sonny,” Rafe began, hand still stroking his face. “Do you recall the Driver case I pled out last week?”  


“Yeah.”

 

“The father told me that he didn’t sign up for a disabled kid. Do you know what I told him?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“I told him that he _did_ sign up for a disabled kid, because the moment that he decided to have a child, he decided to have whatever that child turned out to be. Whether it was disabled, LGBT, mentally or physically ill, or any or all of the above and more.”

 

Sonny found himself unable to breathe.

 

“So what I’m saying, is,” Rafe continued, giving him another kiss. “That when I decided that I wanted to be with you, I decided to not in spite of something like this, but including anything and everything that is Dominick Sonny Carisi Junior.”

 

His mind turned Rafe’s words over and over in his head, finding them hard to believe, and he told Rafe as much.

 

“I have a question, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t feel up to it,” Rafe said, completely serious.

 

Sonny braced himself and nodded curtly.

 

“Who hurt you?”

 

Sonny blinked. That was not the question he was expecting. In fact, nothing was going how he expected.

 

“Why, so you can charge them with something?” He tried cracking a smile, but it fell a little flat.

 

Rafe’s hand dropped from his face to his side, rubbing lightly up and down.

 

“If you wanted me to.”

 

Sonny shook his head. He hesitated but saw nothing but love in Rafe’s face, so he scooted closer so that he could bury his face in his chest, Rafe immediately wrapping him tighter in his arms.

 

They laid there for a few minutes, silent.

 

“My first relationship, my girlfriend laughed at me and told me I was just butch. She left me when I started hormones.”

 

Rafe remained silent, burying his nose into Sonny’s hair and strengthening his embrace even further.

 

“The second one, he left me as soon as I told him, yelled at me, said he didn’t date ‘women’.”

 

He used to cry when he thought of this stuff; now he just felt empty and resigned.

 

“The only other person I ever dated, she thought it was ‘cool’ and ‘brave’ and had all these _questions_ , but ultimately didn’t want anything to do with me romantically.”

 

“I believe I've said this before,” Rafe murmured. “But people are _idiots_.”

 

Sonny scoffed.

 

“Hey,” Rafe said, leaning his head back in an attempt to look Sonny in the eye. “You're the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I've ever met. You're passionate, especially when it involves someone being hurt, or injustice being done. And when you learn that you're wrong? You accept it and learn from it and allow it to better you. Sonny, I've never met anyone like that. I’ve never met anyone like _you._ ”

 

"C'mon, Rafe, I'm sure you have."

 

"No, no I haven't. You are a _good man_ , Sonny Carisi, and the fact that no one else recognised this and held on to you with both hands is proof that people are idiots."

 

Sonny was speechless, Rafe’s words turning over in his head.

 

“How about we just call it a night, watch some TV if you’d like?” Rafe suggested, giving him a squeeze. “We can talk about this later if you’d like, but for right now, I just want you to know that I want you here. In my arms, in my bed, in my apartment, in my life. I love you, Sonny.”

 

“I love you, too,” Sonny quietly said, hoping that the truth of that statement made it through the emotional turmoil still choking up his throat.

 

It must’ve, because Rafe gives him one last kiss before shifting to grab the remote and his book off of the bedside table, immediately returning to Sonny, pulling him back half on top of him.

 

“Here,” he said, handing him the remote. “Feel free to watch whatever you’d like.”

 

Sonny hesitated, looking between it and Rafe.

 

“I have to confess something.”

 

“Sonny, if you’re about to tell me you voted for Drumpf I swear to God - ”

 

“No, no, no,” Sonny laughed. “Nothing like that.”

 

“Then what?”

 

There were those fingers again, stroking his face and running through his hair. Sonny could both feel and hear the strong heartbeat underneath his cheek.

 

“I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything, and I’m sorry that I haven’t done a good job of that so far.”  


“It wasn’t your fault,” Sonny reassured him, placing a kiss to the clothed chest nearest him.

 

“What did you need to tell me?” Rafe repeated, any trace of snark in his voice replaced with softness.

 

“I..I lied about the TV,” Sonny said, gazing up at him to gauge his reaction, but all he got was a raised eyebrow, so he rushed on. “I _do_ have one that I like to watch in bed, but I don’t _need_ it to go to sleep...I’m sorry, I was just trying to come up with an excuse to keep you from finding out and - ”

 

“It’s alright, Sonny.”

 

“But you wasted all that money - ”

 

“Does it make you feel more at home?”

 

“...Well, yeah.”

 

“Then I didn’t waste anything.”

 

Sonny couldn't think of anything to say to that, so he took the remote and flicked the TV on. Vivid dancing lights flooded the room, but he couldn't focus on any of them; he was too numb.

 

“Sonny?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Are you sure you’re alright? How’s your stomach?”

 

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, shrugging. Rafe didn’t seem to quite buy that and continued to scrutinise him.

 

“Let me up,” Rafe said, patting him on the shoulder. Sonny shifted to lay against the pillows, watching him slide out of bed. “I’m going to clean out the trash and bring you some tea.”

 

“That’s my mess, I’ll clean it up - ”

 

“Shush,” Rafe said playfully, leaning over the bed to kiss him. “You stay here and hog the covers. I’ll be right back.”

 

Sonny allowed himself a little smile, settling further into the blankets. With a start, he realised he’d had the TV guide channel on the whole time; no wonder Rafe had been concerned.

 

He flipped to a local news channel; it was just getting to tomorrow's weather when his boyfriend came back in, clean trash bin and steaming mug in tow.

 

“Peppermint tea,” he said, presenting the cup to Sonny. “My abuelita always made this for me when I couldn’t keep anything down.”

 

“Thank you,” Sonny said, taking a cautious sip. “Hey, this _is_ tea!”

 

Rafe gave him an odd look as he climbed back into bed.

 

“When I said tea, what did you hear?”

 

“I dunno,” he grinned, taking another sip. “I was kinda expecting really weak decaf with peppermint creamer or somethin’.”

 

“I can certainly do that next time,” Rafe quipped.

 

“Nah, this is good.”

 

The weatherman droned on as Sonny drank his tea, Rafe idly tracing patterns into the back of Sonny’s t-shirt as he laid next to him.

 

“Is it alright if I can’t finish all of this?”

 

“Not after I worked all day in the kitchen making it,” Rafe said, taking the mug from him and setting it on his nightstand next to his phone. He patted the spot next to him on the bed, and Sonny eagerly curled back up at his side, head on his chest.

 

“Love you,” Sonny whispered, barely audible over the mattress salesman shouting on the TV.

 

Sheep began dancing across the screen, and despite the flashing lights, his eyelids grew heavy. The last thing he remembered before falling into the darkness of sleep was a hand running through his hair, and lips at his forehead, answering him.

 

“See you in the morning, mi amor.”


End file.
